I slapped John right across his face that night. All I could see was red. We were on a freakin vacation and I ruined it because I didn’t like the look on his face. We had a long discussion about exactly what he was supposed to do to make sure he didn’t lose his phone. So after not being able to reach him for hours and with the curfew approaching, I was already on edge.
People saw us having fun at the resort. It started off as an experience I was so happy to give him. But when he came back talking about how he lost his phone, I was livid. I didn’t even think about my reaction. I was just enraged. And the more he talked, the angrier I got. And then he made THAT face. So I hit him.
I felt like garbage. Like I needed to look over my shoulder for the rest of the trip. Afraid that he felt like I was a monster. He definitely looked at me like I was one.
The question nobody wants to ask themselves is “am I the problem in this relationship?”
I kept telling myself that story. If he hadn’t done X, I wouldn’t have done Y.
I’d tell myself I was being responsible and teaching him right from wrong. When I wasn’t nitpicking, I was staying quiet. Not dealing with the little things. And little resentments and annoyances were piling up. And then one day, I’d be completely irrational and just snap.
You think staying quiet keeps the peace. But it doesn’t. It just builds up until you explode.
And my son was growing to hate me. And rather than look at myself, I blamed his hormones, his attitude, his behavior, everything but the real issue.
What was I really avoiding? The fact that he was actively leaving rooms when I walked in. That he would visibly deflate when I opened my mouth. The sign that were crystal clear. The problem with my anger and inability to control my reactions.
We never like to think about it, but it’s an exhausting way to live. Swinging from one extreme to the next. It makes you feel so guilty. And when that guilt sets in, you feel like you have to fix things by being super sweet and lenient.
You become wishy-washy in your discipline. Overly permissive one day, angry and cruel the next.
Here’s what moms don’t talk about: sometimes you love your kid but you don’t even want to be a mom anymore because you feel like you don’t know what the heck you’re doing and it’s draining.
The lesson I learned from that trip was that I had to stop trying to justify why I acted that way. It was one of 3 times in John’s life when I didn’t have a normally proportioned response to what he did. I was full of rage and attacked him.
James 5:16 says confess your faults to one another that you may be healed. Not explain them. Not justify them. Confess them. And that’s what I had to do with John. It’s also why I’m sharing this story with you. Because I know I’m not the only mom to go through something like this and it’s time we removed the stigma and judgment from realizing you’re not showing up as the safe space your kids need.
When you say it, you get to accept it. Not condone it, but admit that it happened. You might think accepting who you’ve been means you’ll be that person forever. It doesn’t.
Stifling what you feel doesn’t heal it. It just makes you snap harder next time. It drowns you in shame. It isolates you from others because you’re afraid they’ll see that side of you and think you’re a terrible mom.
But hear me on this.
You can’t move forward until you stop moving away from the truth of who you’ve been.
Acceptance is not agreement. I wasn’t saying it was okay. I was saying it was real.
Once I stopped arguing with who I was, I could decide to be different.
I had to recognize the patterns keeping me stuck.
Then remove those patterns and replace them.
Fast forward to today…
John just had his birthday. When he opened his gift, he said “Mom, I want to play this new game. Do you want to watch me play it?”
I almost cried. It was the same excitement he had when he was three or four.
He has watched me transform with God’s help. He knows he’s worthy of somebody doing that work for him.
My relationship with my son is completely different now. He talks to me. He wants to be around me.
This didn’t happen because I tried harder or prayed more. It happened because I stopped pretending.
Your teen doesn’t need more rules. They need you to deal with your own stuff.
Your therapist won’t tell you this, but shame management doesn’t bring change. Honesty does.
If you’re drowning in shame and want to be a different mom but don’t know how…
I want to give you hope that you can stop being held back by shame and the things you’ve been pretending weren’t there.
I did.
